
Navigating long-term care decisions can be one of the most emotionally challenging experiences for families and the professionals supporting them. The team at SilverStay has the knowledge and expertise to guide you through these difficult decisions. And maybe even more importantly, we have firsthand real-life experiences that inform every relationship we build.
My father died on May 8, 2024. He had not been sick however and, in one of the more heartbreaking details regarding his death, he died 1700 miles away from me alone at his dining room table while his partner was on vacation abroad.
My role at SilverStay has provided me with a rare window into the aging experience. As I listen to our team discuss our clients’ cases and occasionally have the opportunity to work directly with a family member or social worker, I’ve admittedly obsessed over what this process may look like for my own parents. In the case of my father, the man who gave every thought to my own comfort as I grew, I ended up not having the opportunity to make arrangements for his care.
After his passing, I spent months completely wrapped up in all of the questions, including the ones our clients are attempting to get in front of every day. “What more could I have done?” “What wasn’t he telling me?” “How could he slip away so quickly?” “Is it okay that he slipped away so quickly?” “Was he scared?”
The reality is that, in many cases, there may not be any amount of thought or planning that is going to prepare you for your loved one’s journey. I had numerous conversations with my father about what I was noticing in his health. I had numerous conversations with him about what he should consider in terms of his own plan and wishes. In the end, none of those conversations produced the desired outcome.
If you are planning how to have this conversation with someone in your life, here are some helpful tips to keep in mind:
Do some research. Generally when discussing care options, there are three primary categories: in-home care, assisted living and long-term care. You should have an idea of what option may be most appropriate for the individual you’re supporting and then do some research so that you have some knowledge of what this option looks like.
Acknowledge, up front, that this can be a difficult discussion and emphasize the importance of having this conversation to best understand the patient’s wishes and goals for their own care.
Share specific and factual observations, without judgement, about the concerns that you’re having with either the current care set up or lack thereof. Then listen to their feedback openly and validate them when possible.
Invite trusted people to be involved in the conversation and identify a common goal for everyone; this could be as simple as wanting what’s best for the loved one or ensuring they have the care they need.
And if you have been the primary caregiver and now need to identify other options, it may seem like broaching this topic will put distance between you and your loved one, however it is important to remember that many times identifying new care options will allow a family member to earn their family member role back. The care giving dynamic changes any relationship; you don’t get to just be a daughter or a spouse or a loved one. Many times, you become the “bad cop” in regards to medication, etc. Moving into another care setting allows for family to remain supportive and involved in a loving way while allowing space for someone else to provide the hands-on care.
I see family members, caregivers, social workers and attorneys working incredibly hard to produce better outcomes for patients every day. They’re masterfully putting together pieces of an enormously complicated puzzle with so much love and compassion. And sometimes, things just fall apart.
Losing my father highlighted how even the most thoughtful conversations about care may not always go as planned. It also deepened my appreciation for the work social workers and families do to ensure their loved ones have the support they need, even in the face of uncertainty.
So, I would like to share this message with you: It is all okay. If your person’s situation is straightforward and things go as planned – it is okay. If it suddenly becomes messy and things slip through your fingers, that’s okay too. And if you are walking around with low-level anxiety because things just aren’t quite right and you don’t know what to do about it, I think the best thing you can do for yourself and the person you are supporting is to remind yourself that this is all okay. There isn’t one way to do any of this.
Each one of our clients has lived a whole life with millions of thoughts, ideas, and experiences. There is so much nuance there that we couldn’t possibly begin to capture, even if we tried. So why should any of us believe that the last chapter of their lives would look one particular way?
My father was a painter and a musician and a world class movie buff. He was a carpenter and a teacher and, at times, a total goofball. As the shock of losing him has started to lift, I am slowly able to recognize an important shift in my thinking; he wasn’t just the person who died at the dining room table; he was the person who taught me the names of the presidents on each coin, who sang me a song when I couldn’t fall asleep at night, who excitedly arrived home from the grocery store with a bag of my favorite cherries. I must remember to see him as everything that he was and is; and know that the end was one tiny sliver in a very full life.
Aww, Erin!! I love you so much! 💖